I got news for you guys...this series is going to continue. Now, we turn to Pat. Pat usually is good for about 550 good one-liners per day. The trick is to remember the best of them. The first one to pop to mind:
"God bless us all, I'm loaded." Now, if that isn't the Heuring/Collar Christmas in a nutshell, I don't know what is.
However, I don't know any good childhood ones for him. See, as I recall Pat usually relays the good one-liner stories, so we don't necessarily get to hear about his 854,224 times like we do with the rest of us.
So, fire away.
Christmas 1968
"Hey Paul, I'm dancing just like Will Smith in Hitch! And he's not even born yet!"
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If I remember correctly, it was Pat who once yelled "Wear a Wig!" at Goose on the wiffle ball field at Alicia Park and somehow got by with it. I think Paul later yelled "shut up you bald eagle" at the Ganss and got chased around the park for a long time. But I may be wrong about this.
Two Pat-isms spring to mind, both related to travel. If I remember correctly, this was on the trip to Dayton for Mary and Mark's wedding. As we were driving through Chicago in the middle of a horrific traffic jam on the Tri-State (is there any other kind?), we chanced upon some road construction. We were maybe traveling about 5 miles an hour, if that. We saw some guy (probably well-connected in the union) standing on the side of the road holding a sign that said, "Slow." Pat was driving; he rolled down the window and bellowed at the top of his lungs "I can't believe they're paying you for that!" The guy just flashed a shit-eating grin at us and continued to collect $24.78 an hour or whatever he made; back in 1983, that was pretty good money, of course.
Later, as we were continuing on the trip, we were in Indiana. Pat noticed a sign that said "watch out for ice on bridge." Without saying a word, Pat grabbed some ice from a soft drink cup he had and threw it out the window onto the bridge.
Good times.
I've got news for you Mike, when you are playing Scrabble, you can't use abbreviations... Yes, Pat got a little competitive while playing Scrabble and busted Mike's chops for playing the abbreviation for apartment... which is not at all what Mike was doing. Mike, you see, is very apt at playing Scrabble and he aptly used his tiles to spell the word "apt".
There have to be other good Pat ones...
Oh here's one! "If you behave yourself, brush your teeth and do your homework, you too can PARK FOR FREE!" or something along those lines...
I really, really like the watch for ice on highway story.
Marge, it was like this:
Parking attendant: You wanna park here? 5 bucks.
Pat: Not today my good man, we're parking for free!!! If you play your cards right, and brush your teeth after every meal, you too can park for free!
You have an amazing, scary memory Mike. :)
As the person for whom this section is attributed, it's only fair that I chime in to a story that was recently relayed to me.
Brad Garvey is a pretty funny outspoken guy who has also spent most of his life on the larger side. He is about 48 years old now, so on top of being larger in stature generally, he was also quite a bit larger because of our age difference in 1975.
Brad is and was the king of one liners and comebacks. His stories are legendary including making crank phone calls to then Rams coach Ray Mallivacy (spelling may be wrong.)
As kids, Mark, Paul & I used to have season tickets for the Appleton Foxes games. One could do a whole section, perhaps even an entire blog about the events and unique people who attended these games (Spike, Butch, Earl, Shoot Pool, and the rest of the Groovey Goolies.) Brad Garvey and his brother Brian were at most games as well. Brian was a bat boy for the Foxes.
At any rate, Brian reminded me of the first time Paul & I had met Brad Garvey.
Paul started school when he as 4, so he was always a little bit shorter than his classmates. He used to duke it out each year with Tim Lamers for the shortest kid in his class at picture time.
Brad took one look at Paul and said to him "Hey there little guy, you look like you haven't been eating your wonderbread."
As I had indicated earlier, Brad was a hulkingly large man at the time, and he could have litterally thrown Paul & I on the roof of the Grandstand of Goodland Field. Still, I must have felt a need to defend my little brother (adhering to the classic older brother No One can hit him but me philosophy, to be sure). I took one look at Brad and said "It looks like you took it (his wonder bread) from him.
Brian had indicated that it was one of the few times he could remember when anyone got the last word on Brad during those years. The best part is, I got through it without a scratch.
"Free Mossy Cade!"
That is all.
Free Mossy Cade was an absolute classic. Pat had at least 50 people chanting that in the back of Jim's Place. I had my buddy Kasten with me that night and I don't think I ever saw him laugh as hard as he did at that.
Which reminds me of Pat's rewrite of the Traveling Wilburys:
I'm so tired of being Mossy
Why can't I be Tiger Greene
I just want to play for some NFL team.
I think that's how it went. There were others, too - I seem to remember Pat reusing Cade's real first name (Tomorries) and using it to rewrite "Annie."
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